Home Truths

Alot has been going on lately.

Alot in my life, alot in my mind; and an incredible amount in my heart.

It's hard to cry as if you're sad about something, when you feel like crying because you're so happy.

I wish I was competing in Battlefield 2142 at the moment, but it seems I'm having to make other use of my time; so here I am.

Recently, I've ended a near two year relationship with my closest friend. It had been a tumultuous 2 years, but a blessed time as well. Such a grand amount of time and emotion had been put into said relationship; my heart and mind went into shock once it realised the coming end. I did some things, and said some things that I deeply regret. It's hard to keep a handle on things when something that had become the cornerstone of who you are crumbles within a mere few weeks.

Not to say I didn't do anything right, mind you. I had my moments of spiritual sanity, wherein my searching for God led me to a level of understanding; and I was able to pray with my then partner and level things in my head to what they really were. Good moments, the things that you can reflect on and help you to grow.

I had become dependant on the relationship, moving to a new city to start a new job was a completely foreign experience for me. I had visited many times before, but had mostly restricted myself to spending time with my then partner. A long distance relationship didn't help, we greatly enjoyed each others company whenever we could see each other; which thankfully was often. Having such a predisposition to seek her company greatly hurt my ability so seek and form friendships with other people that I was in close contact with.

In addition, my relationship with the church was in a dormant stage for similar reasons. It's really hard to grow something when your focus is on something else. It's not healthy, not in the slightest. Thankfully, both of those situations have already begun to show huge growth. I've been able to branch out to many different friends, and begin to make a presence within the young adults at my church. I've made the decision to go through the waters of Baptism and form a rapport with my Pastor. It's been a real blessing to have such growth.

A great deal of sinful action was taking place in my heart during the relationship. In some ways, I was simply put "a bad boyfriend". I cared for my then partner very much. But I question how much I truly loved her. Simply because my heart was in such a bad place for the major part of the relationship. Some things you can only realise in retrospect. It's hard to do real battle with a lustful perspective of women that you've had since you were 13 when you're in a relationship with a woman you're incredibly attracted to. (I speak of lust as in desire, her personality was exactly what I felt I wanted; I will refrain on going into details, but needless to say she was attracted to me because of who I was, completely. And that was incredibly special to realise.) I need to work on that area of my heart, my sisters have to be treated like sisters. I am actively on a path with God to correct my way of thinking; and I am very thankful for the work He is doing in me there.

I have learnt an unmeasurable amount about submission and patience. This is simply something that I could not deal with in my own head. And only after learning how to give it over to God, was I even able to begin to make sense of anything. It was often a simple prayer, geared to whatever was on my heart/mind at the time. "Father, I give these thoughts about "name" over to You; and I pray that you can do with them what You will" or "Father, I know that no matter what happens between "name" and I; You will always be there". Such simple prayers helped like nothing else could, simple submission of the situation to God was incredibly uplifting. It was hard learnt though, it took awhile to realise that I had to be submissive to His will. (And that stands as a life lesson, not something limited to this).

I had to learn alot about being patient, and being faithful (faithfulness is, of course, not limited to patience); the two were linked vicariously simply because in order to be patient, I had to believe that God was being faithful. It was hard to sit back initially and let space be had, simply because I felt that I had to do something to fix things. It was a hard lesson to learn, but eventually; I had to be patient, or things would have been incredibly hard to manage. She needed space, and I had to trust that God would do what He needed. Patience had to be had. (And is still needed to be had!) (Haddity had had had, okay; will try not to use "that word" anymore.)

Nothing is fixed overnight, and I struggle still with some feelings. But, I am now grateful for the change that has happened; and am intending to use it completely for the best it can be through God. I still struggle with things, but am getting amazing counsel from amazing people and also growing through prayer and meditation. Several books are at my disposal, and I am making full use of them.

I have a great desire to grow new friendships currently, it was hard at first. I felt like I was becoming an EGR (extra grace required) christian. Simply because I was losing it and felt like a massive burden for all the people that were reaching out to me. I know I have things together in my head now; but absence from the church and the young adults has hurt my ability to continue growing in that area, all is good for the future though.

I have spent an eternity reflecting on the relationship, the good and bad aspects. I've come to realise an alteration in perspective that needs to take place in my heart. Well, a few really. These are my home truths.

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• I need to treat my sisters as sisters.

I realise I touched on this before, but I feel I need to elaborate. My then partner was my sister in Christ first and foremost. Then she was my friend. Then she was my partner. It's really hard to grow a strong friendship when you didn't take time to really get to know each other first. Not to say that we didn't get to know each other during, but if there is no solid foundation to build on, what do you build on? I am sad when I reflect on how our relationship came to be, because although there was a heap of good there; we got close because of bad reasons. And it was mostly my fault. I intend on working on this in my heart with God, and truly growing to have the respect and love I should have for my sisters as a strong part of my walk with Him.

• I need to treat my friends, as friends.

I have had the most horrible tendency to grow the potentiality for a great friendship with people, then just leave. Abandon them. Being in a relationship with a person that I admired and cared for as much as my former partner did not help that tendency, it reinforced it. I do intend on reaching out to former friends, and just saying hi; see where things lead. But my real goal is to be in an emotional situation wherein I can really be a friend to the people that care about me; and not just a shiftworker waiting for a shift in my life to reach out to people.

• I need to grow a presence in His family.

Something that I have been very open to is growth within the church, trying to find where it is I sit in there. I've had a few things be revealed to me, one is that I'm suddenly very comfortable speaking my mind about God; and I was very comfortable speaking out the front on the day of my baptism. A couple of people even suggested I become a pastor, which echoes what other people have said during my life in Christ. Another thing that has come to light is that I wouldn't mind being a leader within my peers in young adults. I mean, I'm hardly in a position spiritually or otherwise to be a leader of any sort at the moment. But it's something that I hope to explore more with God.

• A loving God will not let sin keep permeating your heart.

As much as I was somewhat ignorant of the level of sinfulness that was taking part in the relationship, in hindsight; I realise that for both parties involved, God has intended this break-up as a wake-up call to our shared sinfulness. It's hard to correct a problem in your heart, when you're so comfortable with where you're at. God finally got through to her, and stepped between us to bring us back to Him. It hurt, but what a blessed day that was. It's a strange feeling of being truly loved when you realise what has transpired.

• Love is a word with a plethora of meanings.

I had told my then partner that I loved her what I am certain would be in the hundreds of times. Yet did I ever truly love her? I don't really think I did. I cared for her an incredible amount, but if I loved her; would I have been the same person? Or would I have done more to make sure that there was a solid foundation; that my heart was in the right place; that my desires were pure? I believe I would have. I doubt there is an absolutely perfect love in which all of those aspects are completely sound (except for God's love) but I do believe I could have done much, much more to make sure those areas were proper in our relationship. Something I intend to work on in my heart with God.

• The bayonet of prayer is our secret weapon, and damnit if we won't get the devils tags.

Prayer is the most powerful thing you can do to bring yourself close to God. We, as God's children, have been blessed with the abiltiy to have one-on-one contact with the creator of all things; and the Divine Lover that He is. If you truly pray something from your heart, God will move in your life to answer that prayer. It may not be in ways we expect, or pray to have happen, or adhere to our timeline, but He will always move when He is approached.

• Brothers are brotherly. Sisters are sisterly.

If something goes down in your life that is something related to relationships, it's seriously best talking to someone of your own sex. When it comes to crunch time, guys can give better advice about what a guy is feeling than girls; because we feel different things differently. I've had to encourage a friend of mine to seek people of their own sex, because even though I could give them advice; I felt that my perceptions were probably not as great as another of their own sex could have given. Simply because they have more of a perspective as to how their mind works.

• God gives authority to different people in the church.

Pastors are pastors because God chose them to be pastors. Same as people are not pastors because they aren't called to be pastors. If God chose someone to be a pastor, then God has placed upon them a large portion of the leadership of the church. I've had to learn that authority exists for a reason. Not everything that was said to me as things broke apart was easy to hear, but I had to hear it. God grants authority to those He chooses.

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I am incredibly grateful to all the people who have stepped up to give me support and care during this time. The break-up was incredibly difficult to comprehend at first, but there is so much good coming from it that it's hard to believe it didn't happen sooner in some sense.

I value my friendship with my former partner a great deal, and truly pray that it is able to grow much more than it was before without the burden of a relationship restricting it. I respect that she may not be as ready, or as willing as I may be; nor that she has to be, or ever needs to be. Things will take their due course, and things will either grow or fade. And no matter what happens, I will always have God. And His love will always prevail.

Everybody heals in different ways, and although I am not truly healed of everything; I know I am on a good path and am making great progress with God's leading. Only through prayer and submission will I continue to heal. And grow. I deeply desire the growth I have spoken about. God is faithful, and He will provide.

I honestly have no idea who will read this, but I pray that if you do; and God puts something on your heart to comment. Do not fight it, type it. I deeply appreciate and desire any and all comments.

I pray that I have done justice to what I wanted to get across in this blog entry.

I pray that I have been respectful to all people that have been mentioned in this post.